everything is everything

back where i begain

I just got back from watching the movie about the world trade center. Talk about raising a lot of questions in my head. The whole time i was sitting there, i couldn’t help but think about..well everything.

Before i can further explain myself i need to explain the premise of the movie (I think this is OK even if you haven’t seen it..i mean i think we all know how it ends) anyway...the short version… So you don't get bored and stop reading.. (there is good stuff to come) These cops go in the building to rescue people. One of the cops in Nicolas Cage, he supposed to be "the best". They get trapped in the building.

As I watched these men lay there trapped in complete misery, i kept thinking about the irony of their situation. I mean these men risked their lives to go into this building to "save all these people" but really it ended up they were the ones who needed to be saved. It was like they trained their whole lives to be great in a situation like this, and it ended up that their training was useless because they were trapped under concrete. They went in to rescue people and they ended up in the same predicament as the people they were trying to rescue.

I kept thinking about this and comparing it to my own life. I guess i feel like i've spent all this time "training to save lives" and i ended up trapped waiting for someone to rescue me. Do you get what i'm saying? Being a Bible college graduate, i feel like i should be this awesome minister and awesome woman of God..but the truth is...sometimes i feel just as lost and hopeless as the people i'm supposed to be saving.

It seems like ever since my Junior year of college, I’ve grown to hate everything about Christian Culture. I felt and still feel most of the time that Christians are just a joke (including myself). I hated what i had become, I felt fake. I felt like Bible college had taught me how to be a Christian. I knew what i was supposed to look like as a "good Christian." I knew how to make my self sound "super spiritual" in my prayers. I knew how to "worship". At first my walk, it was genuine, but it grew into façade. My walk with God became a show almost. So i decided one day, i wasn't going to do anything unless it was for the genuine purpose of honoring God alone. The sad part is, my walk with God ceased. I couldn't sing a worship song for almost 2 years. I couldn’t pray..i hated when i HAD to pray in public for something, I hated it because i knew my walk with God had ceased, but i still knew how to pray (say the right things) and fool people to think otherwise. I can't say that I’m threw this yet, i'm up to a few worship songs i can sing and be genuine about. I now know the kind of Christian i don't want to be, now it's figuring out what kind i do want to be and how to be that.

But the point I’m making is, no matter how many times i try to push away from God and push away from other Christians they are always there nagging at me to come home. As much as i despise Christian culture sometimes, it seems as though i will never escape it. I can say with complete sincerity, I'm glad nothing can separate us from the love of God. I’m glad that even in all my wondering and roaming. My heart is forever attached to God and his grace.

There is a Caedmon's Call song that i think expains my feeling better. Here it is. It's on the 40 acres album, i think it is #5:

The grass looked greener on the other side
So I tried to, snatch myself from your hand
Caught a boat to anywhere but Nineveh
And, well you know, I got spit back on dry land.

Verse 1:
Give me purity and give me continence (i love this line..isn't this the way it always is? )
But oh no, not yet.
Like a coin hiding in the corner Trying not to be swept
And I was trying not to be swept.
Kicking against these goads Sure did cut up my feet
And didn't your hands get bloody
As you washed them clean (you washed them!),

Chorus: Here I am again, back where I began
Try as I may I can't get away from you
And all of these roads lead me to roam, Bring me back home.
Here I am again, back where I began.

Verse 2:
So you have yourself your ninety nine (ninety nine),
Isn't that enough for you?
Still you followed me to the shadowed valley
Carried me on your shoulders too.
I've done the work of Sisyphus
Thinking that I could get over this hill
But the one thing I can't get over now...(is the)
Is the force of your will.

more taiwan pics

Fun times in Taiwan

the beach we went to in Kenting..it's on the very
tip of the island.

my Nephew Cayden..Isn't he the cutest

and of course the little diva herself Emilee
i'll be posting more pic's later

Airline safety?

For those of you who don't know, I'm in Taiwan right now visiting my brother, molly and the babies. Anyway there will be more to come on that later.

Yesterday I seriously questioned the safety of the airport. I'll tell you why. My best bud Samantha sent some chewy chocolate chip cookies with me on my trip. I was pumped about them. I was saving them for my long flight so I wouldn't have to eat the nasty airplane food. Well when I was getting on the plane to go to L.A. I was told I had to consolidate my carry-on's to two bags. I was in a hurry, because everyone was watching me jump on my bag trying to get it all to fit and I felt real stupid. Well apparently the cookies fell out of my bag because when I got on the plane the fight attendant came over the intercom saying that they found a tupperware container of chocolate chip cookies in the waiting area. Because of my recent humiliation with a jumping my on the suit case I refused to draw any more attention to myself, so I didn't claim the cookies. Well for the next 5 minutes the flight attendant continued to ask whose they were. Everyone on the plane was making jokes and pretending they were their cookies. As my embarrassment greatly increased, I could feel my face getting really red. I was just waiting for someone to say, "I think they belong to the girl in the bright green shirt." luckily they finally, they dropped it.

Well just as we were about to land I see the flight attendant walking down the aisle toward me with the cookies and a stack of napkins. And what was she doing? She was handing the cookies out to all the kids on the plane. I couldn't believe it. Yeah I was mad because they were mine, but I was more shocked because the flight attendant just handed out cookies, which they knew nothing about to a bunch of kids. Not only that, but they brought these cookies onto the plane in the first place.

Isn't that against airport policy? How is someone going to bring an unattended box of cookies onto the plane and then hand them out to children? The whole time I was at the airport all I heard over the intercom was, "don't leave you luggage un-attendant..It will be confiscated for your safety." What if these cookies were a bomb or what if they were poisened? I just coudn't beleive they would do such a thing. Anyway...Sam..if you're reading, thanks for the cookies, all the other kids on the plane enjoyed them.

Back to misery

I had such a blast in Miami. I didn't want to leave. We didn't want to leave so bad that we missed our flight on purpose just so we could go out one more night. I don't know how people can live near a beach. I would never want to go to work. I would just want to lay around in the sun all the time and hit the clubs at night. The people there are so nice. I came to the conclusion that it would be hard to be rude and hateful if you lived by the beach. Whenever your stressed all you have to do is sit by the ocean, and your immediately calm.

Me and amber had such a blast, I'm definitely going back. I'm putting some pictures on here for you guys. I hope you all get jealous...Just kidding..

Why..Why...Why

What is so difficult about the statement...Thin it up a little and trim it? Why is it that whenever I go to get my hair cut and I say I just want a trim, and I need the back thinned a little, they always mess it up? A trim is a trim, A trim does not mean to cut three or four inches off my head. How does "so you want to keep the length and just trim it up?" turn into me with insanely short ugly hair....grrr. What is wrong with these hair dressers? I shouldn't generalize all of them, but it always seems that my hair gets cut shorter than I asked for.

Anyway...Tomorrow I'm going to MIAMI!!!

Me and my friend Amber are heading to miami. Our plan leaves at 7:20am. I'm so pumped. It makes my bad hair cut not seem as bad.

I'll be putting pictures of our trip on here.

my apartment

I got a new camera yesterday so i decided to take pictures of my apartment in Rolla and put them on here. So guys here's where I live, well until July 1st, then i'm off to Cincinnati!!